"No wonder that horse has a hard mouth, just look at the way he yanks on them reins!"
"They make orthopedic shoes, orthopedic mattresses, orthopedic socks; why can't somebody come up with an orthopedic saddle?"
"Well, I always wanted to be a (cough) cowboy so I could work outside in the (cough…gasp) fresh air."
"I don't mind you clowns rustling my cattle, but your dang sure going to take this feed bill with them!"
"He orta quit worrying about that $30 hat and start worrying about a $500 hospital bill."
"Maby her horns ain't even, but I hired on as a cowboy, not a blasted carpenter!"
"Just come on down, I think I've figured out why it's not pumping any water!"
"Then this government follow says we orta consider ourselves lucky to have a natural resource like 75 thousand prairie dogs!"
"Charlie, if we partnered on the yearlings, we wouldn't care whose grass they ate and we wouldn't have to fix all this blasted fence!"
"If how many cattle we gathered is that important, why didn't one of you clowns shut the gate before you started fighting about the count?"
"I hope you birds realize that it's cheaper to hire cowboys that can ride than it is to buy horses that don't pitch!"
"I tried to tell you that old horse was thirsty!"
"You lost the bet. I know that old horse couldn't throw him plub over he windmill."
"Why don't you just give him the sugar?"
"Call them dumb animals if you want, but you don't ever see these old cows following us around in this dust and heat."
"This may be one of them wet years, there's not but 2 inches of dust in the rain gauge!"
"Tell that nut with the hot shot to take a break!"
"Well hurray! Everything is flooded, the barn washed away, 50 head of cattle are drowning…and you caught a 4 pound carp!"
"Sure, this sitting around bugs me too, but when boots cost $150 you can't afford any unnecessary walking!"
"This country aint as desolate as you think, why there's a windmill just about 14 miles right up this road."
"You gotta admit, if we'd paid 20¢ less and feed had been $7 cheaper and the fat market was 24¢ higher this woul be the best set of steers we ever had!"
"For Pete's sake, we can't sort cattle with you laying right in the middle of the gate!"
"It's not the cooking - if you insist on reading the markets before you eat, you're going to have a bad taste in your mouth every morning!"
"If you're going by the pickup, would you bring me a new needle?"
"No, he ain't a professional streaker. He owns the feedlot."
"I said she was used to eating out of a bucket, I didn't say she was gentle!"
"She might weigh 750 … if all of the flies landed at the same time."
"He ain't in trouble, he still has both stirrups."
"Sure, trees in the yard will be nice, but I still think we should have spent the money on something them old cows could eat!"
"Forget about my horse! If you don't do something about this old cow the only thing I'll ever ride again will be a wheelchair!"
"How come I got such good grass? Cause I ain't got enough credit left to buy any cattle - that's why I've got such good grass!"
"Oh, don't worry about it. You always have a few little parts left over after a big overhaul job."
"Charlie, I'd trade you this slicker for your overshoes!"
"I been meaning to tell you about that old cow."
"You said they would do better with the implants, so I didn't see any use in buying feed too!"
"Say a $100 for the undertaker, about $75 for a box, and $10 for the preacher. Dog-gone-it, there goes a whole months wages."
"I tried to tell you this tree wasn't big enough for both of us!"
"Well, I came by to aks about that mechanics job, but it looks like you need the mechanic worse than I need the job!"
"What are we waiting for? We're waiting for the boss to chew us out for not having the things done that he's fixing to tell us to do."
"Charlie is a good natured fellow, but he's got this thing about horse flies!"
"This may break him from bragging about swinging a big loop!"
"Get ready with them ropes boys. We got her this time!"
"You said you could ride anything we could put your saddle on!"
"Now that's what I call a barrier!"
"They need a couple of pickup men."
"Now look you old bat, you don't get any water till you let us get a wrench!"
"The way I got it figured, it will probably take us all summer to get these tanks cleaned out."
"Yea, we orta do something, but you know how mad the boss gets if we howler around his cattle."
"Did I clinch what nails?"
"Nope, I ain't worried about the coyotes, I'm trying to get my hands on that (?)&$:% horse!?
"Sure I ride him with spurs, but I never had enough nerve to goose him with them!"
"When you pay $5,000 for a pickup something orta float besides a bunch of empty beer bottles!"
"Since it's Saturday afternoon, just dig the holes up to that windmill and then knock off early."
"You gotta look at the bright side. If it wasn't snowing and 3°, the boss would be out here screaming at us."
"You still got that cinch that I thought was too expensive yesterday?"
"Lady, if you don't mind, we are using this barrel."
"Hold your horses, I don't like to run around with my shoes untied!"
"Reckon you could haze him over towards where they parked the ambulance?"
"…otherwise your cow seems all right. I think you need a carpenter worse than you need a vet!"
"Nope, the saddle's straight… it's this blasted horse that's crooked!"
"Reckon you could do something with a little bit of the slack?"
"Gosh…a two-holer!" Sure must have been some rich people that built this place!"
"Now I've seen horses that could pitch, but this is the first time I've seen a cowboy throwed plumb away!"
"Well, he's probably mostly horse, but he eats like an elephant, snores like a moose, and runs sorta like a scared turtle!"
"$120,000 for a feedmill and you need an old inner tube and bailing wire to fix it?"
"Looks like the boss is serious about fixing this place up. He left us a can of bug spray and some new cardboard for the windows."
"I guess I just don't understand this economic stuff. If we can feed 400 steers on credit, how come we can't buy 2 hamburgers on credit?"
"Really ain't much to this cowboy stuff. You watch them buzzards and when they land you just go see if they are having beef for lunch."
"They are both so awkward you can't tell if the horse is throwing a fit or Charlie is trying to get off and open the gate!"
"Every day we push these old cows up to the feed wagon… I'll bet it would be a week before anybody came hunting us if we didn't show up for dinner!"
"Sure I promised you a raise when feeder prices got high enough, but is it my fault they haven't reached $1.50 yet?"
"No wonder banks are in trouble, they didn't think my cow dog and pickup was enough collateral for a lousy little $20,000 loan!"
"I tried to sign up in the P.I.K. program, but the government didn't include cactus or prairie dogs."
"Actually, I'm loosing money on this promotion gimick, but my husband is a chiropractor and he thinks this is the greatest thing I've done!"
"If there is a carpenter in the audience, will you please come to the bucking chutes?"
"Ain't nothing funny about it… when that old cow gets mad she's going to cripple him and wreck the whole lot, and while he's all nice and cozy in the hospital, we'll be out here fixing the fence!"
"I reckon we'll have to go huse back. The boss took the pickup keys – he says the country can't afford to loose any more astronauts right now!"
"An besides, by the time you find a tree in this part of the country, the market could be up five dollars!"
"Them economists come up with all sorts of theories, but we didn't have a mess like this until every teenager in America had to have four pairs of blue jeans!"
"Just grab your saddle and let's go. I know that market guy said to hold on to em, but that banker of mine said to ship 'em!"
"Just sorta prop it up, if the boss finds out we can fix fence that's all we'll ever get to do around here!"
"I said you orta grease the walker, I didn't say you couldn't stop it for awhile!"
"You got any idea what that feed costs? We're not getting them ready for some futurity, we're just gonna chase some old cows around the pasture!"
"Now, I ain't going to call him a coward, but he's tearing down more fence than these cows are!"
"Sure, I made a bundle on my calves – dang near enough to pay off last winter's feed bill!"
"Head them cattle!"
"We spend 2 days chasing these critters thru every creek bottom and mesquite thicket in this county and now you want how much shrink?"
"Nope, I can't imagine what these steers would be worth fat, but I can imagine how rich that feed salesman would be by the time we got them fat!"
"Charlie here is a whiz with that Coke machine. Let's give him a shot at the thing."
"Charlie got 141, you got 139, and I got 149. That comes out to 143. By gosh, the count is right on the nose!"
"If Charlie would stop clowining around, these cattle might settle down."
"For Pete's sake, read to yourself. I can't even stand to look at it."
"Just pitch it in here amongst us and drag something out!"
"One hundred and forty three animals in one herd and you had to run over a thirteen thousand dollar, grand champion, bull."
"It seems like this old truck is getting more power all the time. I think it's from that new brand of gas we're using"
Click here for more cattle industry cartoons by Leigh Rubin, Wally Badgett and Dick Stubler.
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