Getting everyone together at the same place and time is often difficult in today's fast-paced society. Dinner-table conversations are less frequent, and some families only gather during holidays.

But many communication experts advise against trying to talk during holidays because it's a period of heightened emotions. If possible, Birkeland suggests meeting outside of the farm environment in a neutral location, such as a restaurant or coffee shop. After all, some of the best conversations about the farm occur on trips to bull sales or at a café along the way, she adds.

“When couples have to discuss something that's very intense, I suggest going out,” Birkeland says. “Just the fact they're in public helps provide a boundary they're aware of, and they won't lose control as easily, or at all.”

In general, agriculture has an inter-generational flavor that involves grandparents, parents and children, and each generation has different values. Someone who lived through the Great Depression, for instance, likely has a different perspective on borrowing money than a younger family member. In such cases, it's helpful to know how to talk “inter-generationally.”

“Quite often with families, we discuss each generation's values and what they think is important,” Baker says.

The older generation needs to explain to the younger generation why it wants to pass on the farm. The younger person needs to explain why he or she wants to farm.

In inter-generational discussions, Birkeland suggests using “I” statements when expressing concerns. Using “you” statements seems more accusatory and is likely to make people defensive. In discussion, structure statements as “I am frustrated when…” rather than “You make me so mad!”

For more communication tips, see “Simple rules” on page 15.

Any family might have individuals who decide to pursue careers outside farming or ranching. That doesn't mean they're cut out from the estate; their role just may be different, Birkeland says.

Baker is a proponent of dividing assets equitably, not necessarily equally. Those joining the business are sometimes treated a little different than non-farming heirs. Non-farming heirs may have received part of their inheritance through college tuition, down payments on a house, or other financial means.

Ultimately the generation that controls the assets will decide the disposition of the estate. Consider the goals established by the family. If it's a goal to keep the farming heir on the farm, land and assets might not be divided equally.

Whatever is done, be open and honest in communicating what's happening. Having everyone involved in estate planning is key, and people often find comfort by having an established plan.

Editor's note: Kindra Gordon is a Spearfish, SD-based freelance writer and former BEEF Managing Editor.

Parents are in charge and need to be responsible in initiating the estate-planning process, says Ron Hanson, University of Nebraska-Lincoln agriculture economics professor.

“Don't be naïve. If mom and dad don't do it, how many families do you know that can sit down and work things out when the parents are dead and gone?” he asks.

Though talk of death can be difficult, he says families must discuss a variety of different scenarios. Just a few of these questions might include:

• What would happen if one parent/spouse died, and/or the other remarried?
• Which children will have the chance to gain actual ownership?
• How will the non-farming children be treated in order to be fair and equitable?
• When will the transfer happen?

Once parents have made their decision, they need to communicate their wishes to all family members, including in-laws and adult children who have moved away from the farm, Hanson says. And the plan should be presented as a “we” by both parents to minimize division between the family.
— Kindra Gordon

“If you follow these four simple rules of communication, life gets a lot easier,” says Claire Birkeland, a Minnesota-based psychologist who specializes in systems therapy.

• Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give thought to what you say, don't just shoot randomly from the hip.

• If someone doesn't agree, or if you feel someone snubs or dismisses you, don't take it personally.

• Don't assume. Ask.

• Do the best you can, then feel secure in it.

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